Messy Rooms. (Please don't hate me for writing this)

I need to vent.

Right now, I'm currently in a state of teen angst. I'm being selfish and I know it but if I don't write out my feelings, I'm going to implode.

I'm merely months away from turning 17 and I've never had my own room. When I was born I was thrown into a confined bedroom with my older brother and sister, I obviously didn't mind. When we moved out I shared with that same sister until my mum fell pregnant with her new husband. We had to move to find more space, not only for the newborn, but my stepdads two other kids. We were the Brady bunch at a loss to find a house big enough for all of us. When we finally moved, it was into a four bedroom house. There were eight of us. So I of course had to share with the newborn, again I didn't mind, to my surprise, I was excited. I was eight years old. Now seven years later, my eight year old sister has trashed our bedroom with wet and some dry cotton wool, toy horses, scraps upon scraps of paper and pointless plastic pieces.

Saying that I'm frustrated is an understatement.

A few months ago, the owners of the house we're in, told us that they need it back. We've been searching for a house big enough for all of us but it just isn't realistic. So I of course will continue to share.

I've dealt with the mess.
I've dealt with not having anywhere to go if I needed to talk to one of my friends over the phone.
I've dealt with having to leave the room if she needed to go to bed to then wait an hour until I can go back in to my own bed.
I've dealt with being walked in on whilst I'm getting dressed of a morning.
I've dealt with not being able to study for hours due to pointless interruptions.

I'm upset to the point where I can't even cry. And because of what? Not being able to have my own space? I know I'm being irrational and unfair but I've never had the pleasure of having my own space. Sure, it's not the end of the world and I know there are families out there who struggle to even afford a one bedroom house for a much bigger family but again, I'm just being a fucking teenager. Selfish and moody.

There is obviously nothing I can do about this and nor will there be until I find the money to move out myself but I needed to write this out before I kick a wall.

I'm the definition of a stereotypical, hormonal teenager.

I'm currently typing this out in a crowded mess of clothes, toys and God only knows what else.

For now, I whinge.
But until later,

this is me.
An angry girl who wishes life would be in my favour at least for one day.



All the best,
R. x

Good Skin, Bad skin

I find myself reminiscing too often on the old days.

The days where laughing wasn't such a chore, worrying about my weight didn't exist and second guessing my every move wasn't a thing in my everyday lifestyle. But nowadays, I mainly find myself reminiscing on my skin. Sounds weird, trust me I know, but I look back on old photos and suppress a smile as I stare, in depth, at my skin. It was so... clear? Where the hell did I go wrong? I'm a hormonal teen who likes to eat some pretty unhealthy things sometimes but my diet has hardly changed in a year, so why is my skin acting up now?

I have recently gone through a severe breakout on my chest, back and face where I was feeling so insecure about myself, I was prescribed with some heavy medication. Unfortunately, that made matters worse and my skin not only broke out more but differentiated in colour and in texture. I was peeling and my face was constantly burning. Not even a warm shower would ease the pain, oh no, it made it a hella lot worse. I was blotchy and red all over which led to me not even wanting to leave the house. After a few days of using some gental face wash and no longer taking that medication, I was soon back to normal. Well... the spots were still there but I had never been so happy to have my face back again.

After that reaction, I realised that things could be so much worse. I don't have severe acne nor do I constantly have dry skin, in fact, my breakouts aren't that bad at all. Of course my face, back and chest still aren't perfect, they have spots that agitate me but I'm blessed and appreciative to have the skin I do now. I wear it with pride and I encourage everyone reading this to do the same. Of course I realised that getting clear skin isn't just a quick fix, especially being the angry teenager I am, but I learnt that patience has become my new best friend.

Please be positive and remind yourself that things could definitely be worse. Remember, you have it good! Don't compare yourself to other people but appreciate that you are the only you living on this planet and you are beautiful in your way own way. (Yes, I'm a clique, deal with it)

All the love...
R. x

Adios, Amigo

Today was hard, goodbye's always are. Especially when it's forever. But for some strange reason, this departure in my life has hit the hardest. It may only be for five months but I feel crushed. I feel lost. Not being able to hold the one I feel so deeply for feels so foreign, just like the country he now calls home. I miss being able to see his face. So optimism has become my new favourite word. Trying to find the positives in any negative situation is tough and may come across as being a mission in disguise but it's definitely something I'm all up for considering.
For example, he's happy. He gets to experience a life outside of, well, here. Anybody would be thankful for that. He gets to make new friends at a new school and make a new life for himself. He gets to better himself. We all make mistakes and well, he gets to fix his without having discouraging Novacastrians surrounding him.
Example 2. It really builds trust. With him away, I can prove to him that I'm worthy. I won't ruin us. I've never felt so strongly for someone and whilst he's away I want to prove that. Loyalty is a word in my vocabulary you know.
Example 3. I can focus on other things. Not at all saying he's a distraction but well... he's a distraction. I get too caught up in spending time sharing his body warmth than coming home and finishing off homework. I've gotten three detentions in the past 4 weeks, all from incomplete work. By the time he comes home, I'll be fully back in the swing of things and have a schedule undergone that not even he can break. I hope. Not only can I focus more on school but I can rekindle old friendships that have somewhat been lost in my attempt at trying to find love again. I miss having girlfriends. Especially in times like this where all that's on my mind is my sunshine. I've been so engulfed in my future with him that I'd forgotten about my friends and how they have feelings too. I hope that when he comes home he can see how beautiful the people in my life are. Including himself.
In my eyes, he's perfect which is why this goodbye was so hard. I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time. I'm going to miss him so much. Is that so selfish of me to say?... But deep down I've never felt so excited for someone. Sure, he's missing out on my birthday and Christmas and completing our sophmore year together but he does get to experience those things, just not with me, but with his new family at his new home.
Deep down, what I'm trying to say is love got a hold of me. But I don't regret it because he's perfectly perfect. And of course, not a day will go by where I don't miss seeing his face but a day will also not pass without me pondering on what new adventure jumped up on him.
So until next year, Adios and safe travels, Sunshine.

R.

Moving on

I believe that everything on this earth has a purpose. Everyone is brought into your life for some reason, whether it be positive or negative. I always find positives in any given situation. After all the bullshit my ex-boyfriend put me through, I still focus on the happiness that was brought into my life after he crashed into it. I feel nostalgic. No not nostalgic, remorseful. I miss the feeling of being held and I feel bad for saying so. I know that I deserve better, heck, anyone deserves better that that. But everyone always says that your first love is one that you'll remember for the rest of your life. Is that really the truth? It agitates me how my first love didn't feel the same about me as I did to him. But it was a learning curve, a step in my life that I'm sort of grateful for. Is that messed up for me to say? Like hey, thanks for using me for a year and cheating on me numerous times whilst I sat home and dreamt about our future, Asshole. How can I be nostalgic? I feel like the asshole right now. Thing is, it's been six weeks since our last encounter and it was hard enough having to see him everyday being held by someone else, but I still see him glance at me. He looks at me when he thinks I'm not looking. I wonder if he ever feels nostalgic. But I'm happy now. Because without him, I wouldn't be where I am today. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and I wouldn't of been able to without the help of somebody else. They say your second love is the one that pulls you out of the hole your first love dug for you. The hole that doesn't have any source of light or happiness. The hole that your broken heart led you to believe was your only companion. My second love, let's call him Sunshine, he gave me hope. I no longer feel like a burden in this world, he taught me how to love again and for that I will be entirely thankful. For now, he lives halfway across the world but no amount of distance between us will change the way I feel about him. Because he's my sunshine.

R.

Introduction

I feel like a firework, waiting to be lit and fired up into the air. I'm exploding with ideas and I've decided to start this blog to express them.

My name is Rachel and I really love to read and write. 

My best friend at school tells me I'm like a Lush Bath Bomb, I fizzle and crackle and crave attention for someone to listen, in other words, I have a point to prove and I want everyone to hear. Except, I'm the the bath bomb that sits on the back of the shelf, the one nobody wants to take home. The one that hides in the corner and pretends I don't exist. I'm the girl who wishes she'd never said anything at all because any word that spills from my mouth turns out to be something incredibly embarrassing. But I know here on this blog, my blog, another reader will scan over my posts and hopefully agree or understand what I'm trying to get across. You won't judge, you'll see eye to eye with me. 

I'm looking forward to posting about all things beauty to boys to reviews to requests made by you.

So please, grab yourself a bag of buttery popcorn, park your bum down on a comfortable seat and join me on my journey of writing this blog. 

Until then, stay safe.
Rachel. x