Adios, Amigo

Today was hard, goodbye's always are. Especially when it's forever. But for some strange reason, this departure in my life has hit the hardest. It may only be for five months but I feel crushed. I feel lost. Not being able to hold the one I feel so deeply for feels so foreign, just like the country he now calls home. I miss being able to see his face. So optimism has become my new favourite word. Trying to find the positives in any negative situation is tough and may come across as being a mission in disguise but it's definitely something I'm all up for considering.
For example, he's happy. He gets to experience a life outside of, well, here. Anybody would be thankful for that. He gets to make new friends at a new school and make a new life for himself. He gets to better himself. We all make mistakes and well, he gets to fix his without having discouraging Novacastrians surrounding him.
Example 2. It really builds trust. With him away, I can prove to him that I'm worthy. I won't ruin us. I've never felt so strongly for someone and whilst he's away I want to prove that. Loyalty is a word in my vocabulary you know.
Example 3. I can focus on other things. Not at all saying he's a distraction but well... he's a distraction. I get too caught up in spending time sharing his body warmth than coming home and finishing off homework. I've gotten three detentions in the past 4 weeks, all from incomplete work. By the time he comes home, I'll be fully back in the swing of things and have a schedule undergone that not even he can break. I hope. Not only can I focus more on school but I can rekindle old friendships that have somewhat been lost in my attempt at trying to find love again. I miss having girlfriends. Especially in times like this where all that's on my mind is my sunshine. I've been so engulfed in my future with him that I'd forgotten about my friends and how they have feelings too. I hope that when he comes home he can see how beautiful the people in my life are. Including himself.
In my eyes, he's perfect which is why this goodbye was so hard. I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time. I'm going to miss him so much. Is that so selfish of me to say?... But deep down I've never felt so excited for someone. Sure, he's missing out on my birthday and Christmas and completing our sophmore year together but he does get to experience those things, just not with me, but with his new family at his new home.
Deep down, what I'm trying to say is love got a hold of me. But I don't regret it because he's perfectly perfect. And of course, not a day will go by where I don't miss seeing his face but a day will also not pass without me pondering on what new adventure jumped up on him.
So until next year, Adios and safe travels, Sunshine.

R.

Moving on

I believe that everything on this earth has a purpose. Everyone is brought into your life for some reason, whether it be positive or negative. I always find positives in any given situation. After all the bullshit my ex-boyfriend put me through, I still focus on the happiness that was brought into my life after he crashed into it. I feel nostalgic. No not nostalgic, remorseful. I miss the feeling of being held and I feel bad for saying so. I know that I deserve better, heck, anyone deserves better that that. But everyone always says that your first love is one that you'll remember for the rest of your life. Is that really the truth? It agitates me how my first love didn't feel the same about me as I did to him. But it was a learning curve, a step in my life that I'm sort of grateful for. Is that messed up for me to say? Like hey, thanks for using me for a year and cheating on me numerous times whilst I sat home and dreamt about our future, Asshole. How can I be nostalgic? I feel like the asshole right now. Thing is, it's been six weeks since our last encounter and it was hard enough having to see him everyday being held by someone else, but I still see him glance at me. He looks at me when he thinks I'm not looking. I wonder if he ever feels nostalgic. But I'm happy now. Because without him, I wouldn't be where I am today. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and I wouldn't of been able to without the help of somebody else. They say your second love is the one that pulls you out of the hole your first love dug for you. The hole that doesn't have any source of light or happiness. The hole that your broken heart led you to believe was your only companion. My second love, let's call him Sunshine, he gave me hope. I no longer feel like a burden in this world, he taught me how to love again and for that I will be entirely thankful. For now, he lives halfway across the world but no amount of distance between us will change the way I feel about him. Because he's my sunshine.

R.